Wednesday, March 19, 2008


I'm having a hard time of late. I have been thinking so much about my mother and living quite a bit in the past. It hit me this evening that she died almost exactly six years ago. It is odd how even without thinking about this anniversary, I feel it every year. I feel it so deeply that sometimes I'm not even aware of what is wrong. Not that I don't think of my mother all year round. I do, but this time of year when my thoughts should be of rebirth, I can't get her untimely death and the heart-breaking time of her illness out of my mind. I miss her so. I look at my children and wish they knew her. Parker remembers little things about her, but he was two when she died and I know his memory is fading. Rob's mother died years before we met, of cancer too, way too young. Children should grow up with grandmothers.

I feel selfish about my longing to have my mother with us. People all over the world have such hardships and we have been so lucky in our lives, but I resent the doctors who failed to see the signs of cancer until it was too late. I despise the medical system which failed to make her last weeks more comfortable. I know after six years, I should be at peace with it all, but at time I am not. I want her back. I want her to be here loving my children and spoiling them as only a grandmother can. I want to talk with her daily and share my life with her.

I know it is selfish, but she was my best-friend, I miss her, and I wish she was still with us.


Cynthia said...

it's not selfish Linda. It just speaks to the love you had, and have, for her....

Anonymous said...

It's perfectly natural. My father died when I was young and I will always feel a little lost. No matter what is going on in the world nothing makes that easier. Allow yourself to grieve the way you need to.

Leeanthro said...

I regret that neither of my husband's parents lived to see him get married, have two children, and see what a great man he has become.

And that my children only have one set of grandparents.

I posted a while ago about how my daughter asked who daddy's mommy and daddy are. I didn't really want to explain death to my 3yo. I told her she hadn't met them and at the time it seemed explanation enough, I think because we have out-of-state and country relatives she hasn't met.

I can't imagine the pain you must feel at losing your mother and I can only empathize that it still hurts 6 years later.

Billy said...

I lost my mom to cancer too. She battled leukemia (AML) for 10 months.

She did a year ago. The anniversary was February 23. I blogged about it here.

I lost her at the age of 24. My fiancee lost her mom three months before I lost mine.

We're getting married in two months and it's very upsetting to realize our moms won't be there.

It was awful watching her battle the illness. I get a little annoyed when I see people with their mothers, especially when they're much older than me. I can't help it. It's so unfair.

I think about all the things she'll miss. She'll never see Seattle, or be at my wedding, or see my kids (if I have kids). I miss her terribly.

Jennifer said...

Linda - Wow - I cannot even believe it has been 6 years. I am crying just reading your blog. Your mom was an amazing woman and
I don't think you should ever have to be at peace with her death.

I have nothing to compare it to at all but I am sure you will miss her forever and ever. I think missing it for your children too is huge - you loved her so much and you love your children so it is such a shame they don't know your amazing mom in person - but I am sure they know her in their heart and soul.

I am thinking of you! Hugs, Jen

Veg-a-Nut said...

I don't think you are selfish. I think when a loved one passes it is normal to miss them forever and want them back. I miss my grandpa. He was the greatest man that ever lived. Just yesterday I was telling my mom that I wish I would have written down his recipe for pancakes. They were the greatest! I hope you can look on the happy times with your mom and try to feel better.

Lisa said...

xo. That's all.

Billy said...

It looks like we have a lot in common. I'm glad I've "met" you.

VeganLinda said...

You all are so sweet and supportive. Thank you, your comments mean so much!