Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Melancholy

I'm having a hard time of late. I have been thinking so much about my mother and living quite a bit in the past. It hit me this evening that she died almost exactly six years ago. It is odd how even without thinking about this anniversary, I feel it every year. I feel it so deeply that sometimes I'm not even aware of what is wrong. Not that I don't think of my mother all year round. I do, but this time of year when my thoughts should be of rebirth, I can't get her untimely death and the heart-breaking time of her illness out of my mind. I miss her so. I look at my children and wish they knew her. Parker remembers little things about her, but he was two when she died and I know his memory is fading. Rob's mother died years before we met, of cancer too, way too young. Children should grow up with grandmothers.

I feel selfish about my longing to have my mother with us. People all over the world have such hardships and we have been so lucky in our lives, but I resent the doctors who failed to see the signs of cancer until it was too late. I despise the medical system which failed to make her last weeks more comfortable. I know after six years, I should be at peace with it all, but at time I am not. I want her back. I want her to be here loving my children and spoiling them as only a grandmother can. I want to talk with her daily and share my life with her.

I know it is selfish, but she was my best-friend, I miss her, and I wish she was still with us.

9 comments:

Cynthia said...

it's not selfish Linda. It just speaks to the love you had, and have, for her....

Katherine said...

It's perfectly natural. My father died when I was young and I will always feel a little lost. No matter what is going on in the world nothing makes that easier. Allow yourself to grieve the way you need to.

Leeanthro said...

I regret that neither of my husband's parents lived to see him get married, have two children, and see what a great man he has become.

And that my children only have one set of grandparents.

I posted a while ago about how my daughter asked who daddy's mommy and daddy are. I didn't really want to explain death to my 3yo. I told her she hadn't met them and at the time it seemed explanation enough, I think because we have out-of-state and country relatives she hasn't met.

I can't imagine the pain you must feel at losing your mother and I can only empathize that it still hurts 6 years later.

Billy said...

I lost my mom to cancer too. She battled leukemia (AML) for 10 months.

She did a year ago. The anniversary was February 23. I blogged about it here.

I lost her at the age of 24. My fiancee lost her mom three months before I lost mine.

We're getting married in two months and it's very upsetting to realize our moms won't be there.

It was awful watching her battle the illness. I get a little annoyed when I see people with their mothers, especially when they're much older than me. I can't help it. It's so unfair.

I think about all the things she'll miss. She'll never see Seattle, or be at my wedding, or see my kids (if I have kids). I miss her terribly.

Jennifer said...

Linda - Wow - I cannot even believe it has been 6 years. I am crying just reading your blog. Your mom was an amazing woman and
I don't think you should ever have to be at peace with her death.

I have nothing to compare it to at all but I am sure you will miss her forever and ever. I think missing it for your children too is huge - you loved her so much and you love your children so it is such a shame they don't know your amazing mom in person - but I am sure they know her in their heart and soul.

I am thinking of you! Hugs, Jen

Veg-a-Nut said...

I don't think you are selfish. I think when a loved one passes it is normal to miss them forever and want them back. I miss my grandpa. He was the greatest man that ever lived. Just yesterday I was telling my mom that I wish I would have written down his recipe for pancakes. They were the greatest! I hope you can look on the happy times with your mom and try to feel better.

Lisa said...

xo. That's all.

Billy said...

It looks like we have a lot in common. I'm glad I've "met" you.

VeganLinda said...

You all are so sweet and supportive. Thank you, your comments mean so much!