During the early months of the pandemic, friends who had moved away to different states reconnected and we started up a bookclub that had ended years prior. It was like the pandemic opened the door for us to connect via Zoom and start things up again. These friends, two women who I admire greatly, came along at the perfect time and chose the perfect books.
One of these books was
Untamed by Glennon Doyle. So much of what Glennon says in the book was completely relatable to me and what I was going through. The book helped me process a lot of difficult things in my life and got me through the long divorce process. I listen to her podcast
We Can Do Hard Things and one of the things she talked about recently is choosing joy. Feeling deserving of joy and love has always been a very uncomfortable and hard thing for me. This is one of the reasons my marriage did not work out and what probably doomed from the start.
I had options of people to start a life and family with. I was engaged several times before going forward with Rob. I chose Rob because he felt safe and familiar. Not safe in a healthy way, but safe in a way that I would never completely lose my heart to him. Safe in a way that we would never truly be partners in life. It wasn't healthy for either one of us and a relationship built on a feeling of unworthiness has a huge hole to dig out of before even starting to climb the lifetime mountain. It would have taken more than we ever had to fix that deficit in our lives. We tried therapy long before the kids were born and several times after. We both tried very hard...perhaps never at the same time. I was 23 when Rob and I fell into a relationship. He was 32 and coming out of a marriage, unhappy with his job and location. We both ignored the warning signs and eventually started a family.
Even as a mom who believed in giving 110% to her kids, I was doing them a disservice and not giving them one of the most important life skills...I never modeled feeling worthy of love.
I'm trying very hard, at 50 years old, to break this pattern. It didn't start with me. My mother also never felt deserving of love and didn't feel like she could choose joy. She died so young, only a few year older than I am right now, and never got a chance to live a joyful life. I'm assuming her mother was the same. I never got a chance to know my mother's mother because she also died in her 50's (earlier than my mother) and I was only a year old. My mom would tell me stories and I'm pretty sure I am right...my grandmother Opal didn't feel worthy of joy and love either. Who knows how far back in my family history this feeling goes. It is part of my DNA.
I want this to stop with me.
I know some of my actions and decisions over the past two years can look selfish. I "left" my husband, I broke up our (dysfunctional) family, I stopped being the primary caretaker of my father with dementia, and I chose to start a new romantic relationship with my best friend (whose children may never accept me). I finally feel like I have a safe space and someone I can be vulnerable with and someone who wants the same things. We both have a lot of growing to do and old habits to break. We have so much work to do with our kids before we can ever dream of being a family all together. Maybe that part will never work out. I won't give up, but it definitely one of the hardest things I have had to do.
I have cared for and watched my mother die of cancer. I have cared for and watched my dad completely lose himself to dementia. I have cared for and watched my youngest child deal with gender dysphoria. I have cared for and watched my middle child fill with anger and blame regarding me and my parenting. I have cared for and watched my eldest go through so much adulting before becoming an adult and now at 21 I see so clearly the good, the bad, and the ugly that I have passed down...at the same time marveling at the amazing human being who emerged.
I am completely filled with shame, blame, and unworthiness. Feeling like I could have done so much better. Feeling like despite my careful planning and trying, I missed the mark where it mattered most. I acknowledge my shortcomings and how I completely failed.
I am ready now for a new beginning.
I'm still here. My kids are still here. We are alive for now and I want to make the rest of the time left count. This means I can't hold onto the past. I can't live in what ifs and guilt.
I want to go forward and choose joy. I will choose joy. I am choosing joy.
